TheDismalScience.htm

Economics is the only field in which two people can share a Nobel Prize for saying opposing things.

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.

8. Although everywhere else in our lives we're taught that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.

6. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.

5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.

2. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.

1. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

- The mathematician goes crazy trying to find a black cat, that doesn't exist, inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital.

- The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat, that doesn't exist, but exits the room proudly proclaiming "I could not catch the cat but I can construct a model to predict all of the cats movements with extreme accuracy, and thus, we will catch it in the long run".

- The economic policy advisor walks securely into the darkened room, spends one hour looking for the black cat, that doesn't exist, and shouts from inside the room "I've got it, I've got it".

Three economists and three mathematicians were going to an academic conference by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues make such an error which verified their view that economists can't perform even simple mathematics and were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest restroom. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.

The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all!

When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.

Three people are stranded on a deserted island, a physicist, a chemist, and an economist. They were washed ashore after the luxury liner they were travelling on sank. After a couple of days with no food, a crate filled with canned food from the ship washes ashore. Famished the three gather around the crate, but upon opening it they realize that they don't have any tools or implements that can be used to open the cans.

The phycist speaks up and says enthusiastically, "Don't worry, don't worry I can open them. I've taken a quick inventory of resources on the island and I can make a devise to open the cans. All we need to do is walk about 3 miles down the shore and climb that 100 foot volcanic cliff. It's made of basalt and lava, and surely there is obsidian buried within 5 feet of the surface. We just dig out the obsidian, chip it down to make blades, then attach the blades to sticks to make rudimentary knives and axes. Then we can cut the cans open."

The chemist and economist look at each other, raising their eyebrows and shaking their heads in disbelief.

The chemist speaks next. "No, no that's far too complicated and difficult. Besides you're not gonna get me to climb a 100 foot volcanic cliff barefeet! Now listen. I've also examined the resources here, and I've identified several plants and crustaceans that have very interesting chemical qualities. I'm certain that I can cook up a mild solvent that will corrode a hole in the cans and leave no dangerous substances on the can or in the food. It will only take 10 to 12 hours of sunlight, maybe 2 days!"

"No, no, no wait. You're both making this way, way too complicated. Look lets re-state the problem in its pure, most basic manner. We are hungry, we have a grate full of canned food, but we need something to open them with. Right? So the solution is so, so simply, ...we just assume we have a can opener!"

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for sometime, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.

When Albert Einstein died, he met three other prfessors outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 180. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity".

The second answered 140. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace".

The third professor mumbled 75. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?" (Adapted from Economist June 13th 1992, p. 71).

An economist was standing at the shore of a large lake, surf-casting. It was the middle of winter, and the lake was completely frozen over, but this didn't seem to bother the economist, who stood there patiently casting his lure out across the ice, slowly reeling it in again, and again...

A theoretical economist in a boat came by sliding along on the surface of the ice. He skidded to the shore nearby.

"You'll never catch any fish that way," he scoffed at the surf-fishing economist.

A twenty-something year-old economics student at LCC gets bored with school. He goes to talk to his econ. professor and explains that he has no problem with any of his classes including econ., but he feels so unchallenged and believes the courses are so irelevant that he cannot motivate himself to study. Consequently, he is behind in all his coursework and will have to bust his butt just get "C"s in his classes.

His wise econ-prof advises him to drop the classes, "Why pay to be average?" his prof reasons. "Look you're obviously bright and restless. You're young. You've been in school or working fulltime for the last 15 years. Travel, see the world, seek out life and adventure,... and understanding, wisdom and motivation will come to you." (His prof was a bit older than his student and grew up in a different era).

So, the student did just that. He withdrew from school, let his hair grow, and started working and travelling his way around the world. Over the next 18 months the student had wonderful adventures, and terrible illnesses. He met mystical lovers and made new friends that partied with him and then stole every single shred of his belongings except the sweaty, rank clothes he woke up in. Yes, indeed, he became a student of life, a seeker of adventures, a respectable drunk, and a more than adequate lover,... but not all at the same time. Yet he still had not decided what he wanted to do with his life, or what to study.

Just as we was about to return to Eugene to go back to LCC he met some fellow travellers who told him that if he truly wanted the adventure of his life he had to visit a long-lost village cut-off from civilization, deep in the tropical rainforest, where hungry loggers had returned to their traditional ways of cannibalism, since all the profitable trees had been cut and the forest was over-run with mushroom hunters. The student quickly decided that he couldn't return to Eugene until he had made that trip. What could be a better adventure for a Eugenian, neo-hippie than to meet cannibal loggers?

So he followed directions and eventually stumbled into the village. To his surprise it was similar to any small forest hamlet he'd ever been in. Kind of like Oakridge, back home. There were all the normal stuff. People dressed in their traditional clothing; saloons; real estate offices; beauty shops; tattoo parlors; body-piercing shops; facial scarring operators; bone ear- and lip-plug venders. There was even a butcher shop - "Hannibal's You Bag 'em, We Hack 'em Butcher, Taxidermy, and Mortuary Shop!"

Wow! He had go into the butcher shop! There in the refridgerated case were a all kinds of human meat products. He was drawn to one case in particular it had brains from different types of people.! There was Philosopher's Brain for $4 a pound; Artist's Brain for $5 a pound; Engineer's Brain for $7 a pound; Mathematician's Brain for $10 a pound; and even the brain of a Noble-prize- winning Physicist, for $15 a pound! And far over in the corner there was Economists' Brain for $20 a pound! This reminded the student of his wise econ. professor, who had encouraged him to begin this journey. Now, he knew what he wanted to study! ECONOMICS!

He said to the butcher, " I see you must really value Economists here, at $20 a pound people must really like them!"

"No, no, no," said the butcher, "It's just that you have kill so damn many of them just to get one pound..."

Two men are flying in a hot air balloon. The wind is ugly and they get blown off their course. They have no idea where they are. So they go down to 50 feet above ground and ask a man passing by, "Could you tell us where we are?"

One pilot says to the other: "The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist"

"You have such a good view from where you are standing and yet you don't have a clue where you are!"

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing. (P.E. = Price/Earnings ratio)

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Stock split - When your ex-spouse and your lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves and head off to the Bahamas together.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 a share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo
for $240 per share.

A2: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

A3. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.

A1: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.

A2. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!

A3. None; they're all waiting for Smith's invisible hand to correct the lighting disequilibrium.

A:All of them. Because changing the light bulb will generate employment, which will increase consumption, which will increase the demand for light bulbs, which will increase the need to
change light bulbs,...